October 4th, 2023.
Nearly two years later, I still remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember the emotion in the room, the sense of pride I felt, and the exact words our President used to announce our new offering. It was the culmination of eight months of work that resulted in the most impactful product launch I’ve ever managed.
But here’s the thing—none of it would have been possible without the clarity of knowing how important the launch was to the company. It became my filter, helping me decide what deserved my attention and what didn’t.
In a world that glorifies busyness and rewards those who say yes to everything, saying no felt like a gamble. But that decision to protect my focus enabled me to produce my best work. And on October 4th, 2023, it paid off with personal and professional accolades to follow.
That’s when I learned success isn’t about doing more. It’s about doing less.
“Why did I agree to this?”
How many times do you find yourself asking that question?
You look at your calendar and feel overwhelmed by back-to-back meetings. You stare at a blank document for the project you didn’t want to take on. Or you’re baking a cake for your cousin’s niece because you just had to.
Saying yes is instinctive and wired into us biologically and socially.
Biologically, our brains reward us for doing more. Every time we accomplish something we set out to complete, we’re rewarded by the feel-good hormone dopamine. It provides a burst of satisfaction that conditions us to seek more actions that trigger the next reward cycle, so we keep saying yes.
Socially, saying yes is about risk reduction. We worry about letting people down, damaging relationships, or missing out on opportunities. We’re taught that being agreeable makes us valuable—that the more we contribute, the more we matter. This mindset is particularly prevalent amongst knowledge workers, where we rationalize our never-ending backlog of requests as a sign of our importance. Validation that we are, in fact, “crushing it”.
But according to Oliver Burkeman, author of Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals, our compulsion to say yes goes even deeper. It’s not just about societal pressures or biology. It’s about avoiding an uncomfortable truth: we’re limited beings. Burkeman argues that we overcommit because it gives us the illusion of control.
Saying yes is often less about ambition and more about avoidance. It feels easier to stay busy than to confront the reality that we can’t do it all.
The Hidden Cost of “Yes”
I don’t want to completely lambaste the notion of saying yes. Of course, there are times when it makes sense to be agreeable. A world only of ‘no’ is a world devoid of progress. But every yes comes at a cost, one that we rarely calculate in the moment but pay for down the line with stress, anxiety, and burnout.
The data backs this up. Burnout isn’t just rising; it’s becoming the norm. A McKinsey and Lean In study found that workers feeling burnt out “often” or “almost always” have increased significantly recently. If that’s not bad enough, Gallup conducted a survey and found that American workers are now among the most stressed in the world. Although who isn’t stressed out right now, given the idiocy of some global leaders. Triggered.
As a sidebar, I think it’s interesting how we’ve seen a spike in the number of books published rethinking productivity and the culture of overcommitment. Jenn Odell’s How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy, Celeste Headlee’s Do Nothing: How to Break Away from Overworking, Overdoing, and Underliving, Devon Price’s Laziness Does Not Exist, and my personal favourite, Anne Helen Petersen’s Can’t Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation are all examples that corroborate the dangers of over-committing.
But I digress.
Codify Yes and No Using The Eisenhower Matrix
To fight our reflex to say yes, we need structured guardrails that force us to think before we commit. James Clear, author of the best-selling book Atomic Habits, said it best: “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.”
One of my go-to systems is the Eisenhower Matrix. It’s a task management tool that helps you prioritize things based on urgency and importance. It’s a simple 2×2, and the quadrants are as follows:
- Quadrant 1: Urgent and Important
These are the fire drills—deadlines, crises, or issues that need your immediate attention. They’re high-stakes and time-sensitive. Prioritize these. - Quadrant 2: Important but Not Urgent
This is the sweet spot. Strategic, long-term priorities like planning, deep work, and relationship-building live here. These are the things that move you forward—but only if you make time for them. Schedule these. - Quadrant 3: Urgent but Not Important
These tasks feel pressing, but they don’t actually require your time or expertise. Think: last-minute meeting invites or requests someone else could handle. Delegate these. - Quadrant 4: Not Urgent and Not Important
Distractions in disguise. Mindless scrolling, busywork, or anything that clutters your calendar without adding real value. Eliminate these.
The beauty of the Eisenhower Matrix is that it surfaces your backlog. It forces you to look at everything on your plate and ask: Is this really worth my time?
So the next time you feel the reflex to say yes, pause. Ask yourself where it belongs in the matrix. If it’s stealing from quadrant two, deprioritize it.
Don’t get caught up in the endless cycle of busyness that distracts you from doing the things that truly matter. The things that give you the greatest sense of pride, fulfilment, and happiness. Because every time you say no to something that doesn’t serve you, you’re saying yes to something that does.
Epilogue: Tact and Leaders
Over time, I’ve learned two things that make saying no easier.
The first is within your control, and it’s how you deliver it. A blunt rejection can damage trust, but a thoughtful response that shows respect for the request and reaffirms your priorities can strengthen relationships. Saying “not right now” instead of a hard “no” keeps the door open and maintains goodwill.
The second is outside of your control and lies in your leadership. The story I shared at the top of this post is from my time at Okta. I was spoiled by strong leaders who allowed me to say no and, crucially, backed my decisions when it mattered most. Weak leaders force their teams to say yes to everything, diluting their value. Strong leaders protect their teams’ focus because they know that doing their best work requires the space to say no.
Saying no gives value to your yes. Protect it. Guard it. Because your best work depends on it.
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